Because of HIM
by eyrianone
Summary: 'Secret Santa' story for BensonNYPD's Secret Santa challenge. This is for Rosaline C. Merry Christmas hunnie! This is what really happened when Beckett & Josh broke up.


**Title:** Because of HIM.

**Author:** eyrianone

**Rating**: T

**Summary:** 'Secret Santa' story for BensonNYPD's Secret Santa challenge. This is for _**Rosaline C**_ – Merry Christmas hunnie! – This is what _really_ happened when Beckett & Josh broke up.

**Spoilers**: Through 'Rise'.

**Disclaimer:** Borrowed from Via Lethe. 'Words are mine. World ain't.'

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><p>"Kate I know you're in there . . . open the God-damned door." Josh hammers on the wooden surface, and then kicks the base of the door for good measure – the whole thing rattles in its hinges and he finds that strangely gratifying. What in the hell is she thinking? She got shot. By a sniper. At an NYPD funeral. Seven days ago! She's supposed to be safe in a bed at the hospital for at least three more days – not home AMA. Josh is SO mad he thinks he could kill her himself right now. How could she be so irresponsible? And why the hell did he not know she was planning this until he came to visit her while he was on-shift, only to find her bed occupied by someone else.<p>

He hears slow shuffling footsteps approaching from inside her apartment, and he fumes for the millionth time that after almost a year of dating he still doesn't have a copy of her key. It's ridiculous that she cannot unbend enough to allow him even that close – he's going to have this out with her – and right God-damned now.

He hears both locks disengage and the sound of the chain being removed and then the door opens a crack and stays there. He waits, but that's all it moves and when he finally pushes on it the door swings in.

Kate has made it back to the couch now; she's ashen pale, sweating and, Josh curses silently as his anger dissipates a little as he watches her, she fights to lower herself onto the couch cushions without letting the flares of pain he knows she's experiencing from showing even one iota on her face.

Stupid, beautiful, stubborn woman.

Mentally girding himself for this conversation he tries to keep his voice level to make up for the screaming he was doing in her apartment hallway.

"What the hell are you thinking Kate – you should be in bed – back at the hospital!" He's amazed his voice is not betraying much anger – his brown eyes on the other hand are spitting fire.

Mutinous green orbs look at him wearily. "I'm sick of the hospital – and I'm fine. I just want to sleep in my own bed." Josh wonders if she's aware how much she sounds like a petulant teenager.

"And that couldn't wait a few days? For Christ's sake Kate you're a Homicide Detective. You're supposed to be a responsible member of society – this is not a responsible act. You still need medical care Kate – and if you won't stay in the hospital you put me in the awkward situation of having to take personal time to stay home here with you and make sure you're okay."

The look that crosses her face as he says this could freeze all of hell to an icy wasteland in a little under a minute. It really pisses him off.

"I don't need you here Josh. I never asked you to come." Kate closes her eyes in dismissal and leans her head back against the couch cushions.

"I'm your boyfriend and I'm a doctor – and _you _just had major thoracic surgery – something I happen to perform every single day – so you'll forgive me if those two things combined, leave me concerned about your welfare Kate. I know where you should be and yet – here you are. Of course I had to come – I love you Kate. I love you, I'm committed to you . . . so let's just . . . I'll be your medical attention and maybe after all this you can just give me a key huh?" He starts out angry, but his speech softens by the end – he expects to see her smile, give in to reason and thank him – he doesn't see what happens next coming.

Kate shakes her head. "I won't give you a key Josh. In fact I can't give you anything you need." Green eyes open and focus on him and the resignation shining in them stuns him.

"Kate . . . Why on earth would you say that?"

She sighs. "Because it's the truth, and no matter how I might have wished it different the fact remains that this . . . you and me . . . this is never going to be enough Josh. Not for you . . . and not for me and I can't do this anymore." There are tears in her earth-toned eyes he notices, but he instinctively knows those tears are not about him.

"You aren't seriously breaking up with me? Not now? Not when you were the one who asked me to make our relationship more of a priority in my life. You remember what you asked me give up to give us that chance Kate? You remember that?" His anger is back now. Oh boy is it, and back with a vengeance.

She nods. "I asked. I know I did - I just wanted what we had to be real Josh. I wanted to believe it was. You are everything anyone could ever want . . . "She trails off, and suddenly Josh can fill in the blanks.

"But you don't want me. Do you Kate?" He's stunned. He's completely leveled as he says it, because she does not want him, it's in her eyes, it's all over her face, it's even in her body language as she sits awkwardly holding herself together on the couch and radiating waves that say – 'don't touch me' – 'stay away.'

He's never been the not wanted one before. He's never been the one not saying goodbye.

And every time he's ended a relationship in his past it's been because what he was searching for seemed to be more present in someone else, than in the person he was already seeing.

She doesn't want _him_. Unbelievable – and then it all clicks. A thousand little things over the last year crystallize and he understands what's actually going on here - she wants someone else. He even knows who.

"This is about HIM isn't it?" He grinds out, unable to make himself say her partner's name right now.

As ashen as she already is, he gets his answer when she pales still further – but she doesn't even acknowledge what he's said – at least not verbally. Still it's a lie when she shakes her head and denies it. It's a damn lie and he knows it.

"I just . . . you say you love me Josh, but I can't say it back. And you don't love me, we barely see each other, honestly - we barely know each other, even though it's been a year."

Furious his response is out his mouth before he can think it through. "And whose fault is that? I might have been away, I might work a lot, but I've never held you out, never put you the other side of wall. You give me nothing Kate . . . but you give _him _everything."

Kate winces, gives back barely an answer. "There is no other person involved in this Josh."

"Bullshit. You want to play that game Kate? Okay, it's not like we haven't talked _around_ this subject before. Richard Castle. There I said it – in fact I'll say it again. Richard CASTLE. Everything you won't let me know about you is in every word he writes these days. Nikki Heat – please, she's Kate Beckett wearing a very thin disguise. And I don't care how well you think he reads people Kate – you _give_ him everything that you withhold from me . . . including your heart Kate – although even now you don't want to see it do you? I've had only your body Kate – but I've never had you. He has you Kate – and somewhere inside you know it too or you wouldn't be breaking things off with me."

Kate crumples; curls in on herself on the couch, and Josh is suddenly very aware that she almost died a week ago and that this isn't good for her. The doctor in him takes over, forces the angry jilted lover away as he drops to his knees beside her.

"Kate I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this now – let's just get you back to the hospital where you belong and we can come back to this later." He says softly, brushing sweat-dampened hair back from her brow.

Resolutely stubborn she shakes her head. "We should have had this discussion a long time ago." She mumbles weakly, the apology in her eyes only at first, and then it spills from her lips. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Josh – I won't let myself hide in this relationship any longer. I can't – not now, not after . . . I have to be fair to you."

He leaves his fingers tangled in her hair, as if to pull her back to him somehow – it's a futile hope, he knows this, knows now she's always been beyond his reach – held securely by unbreakable bonds that bind her to another. Yet still he wants, damn it he _needs_ to hear her say it, and whether she realizes it or not she needs it too.

"So give me the truth Kate. If we are really over – I think you owe me that." Josh says gently, even as the underlying steel in his voice demands an honest response.

He doesn't get one.

"It's not about him." Kate whispers, halting his instant retort by placing her small slender hand over his mouth.

"It's about me and you – I don't love you Josh – I can't, and I'm sorry – and that's the truth."

Josh shakes his head, pulls back from her hand. "It's not the whole truth Kate, far from it – and God help me I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the guy – you can't even admit it to yourself can you? "

She says nothing. She just closes her eyes.

Biting his lip Josh turns to go. "Take your meds and call someone to come and be with you Kate – you shouldn't be alone while there is still a risk of infection."

He gets to her door before he delivers his parting shot. "Castle's in love with you too Kate – for what it's worth."

In the absolute quiet of her apartment after he's gone Kate re-opens her eyes, she talks to the silence, fills it with truth. "I know he is Josh. I remember everything."


End file.
